Tweed Solves Problem of ATR/Student Nomads

With the announced closing of 20 schools about to create an enormous number of ATRs, teachers without positions and students with no nearby schools to attend, the high priced consultants at Tweed have shown their worth by coming up with a brilliant solution.

"We know that both ATR teachers and students will be spending many hours on the subway looking for a school," said TJ Pimplish, a Tweed spokesperson. "All they have to do is meet in a subway car and learn while travelling the subway system. Subway cars can hold up to 200 people, but class sizes will be limited to 100."

The DOE will sign a contract worth $2 billion with IBM for ARIS Eight, a computer system that will keep track of the moving trains and its passengers.

ED NOTE: Make sure to check out some fun comments.

"Everybody Must Get Assessed"

Posted on Facebook by Mark Naison:

"Everybody Must Get Assessed" To Be Sung to Bob Dylan's "Rainy Day Women"

“Everybody Must Get Assessed”
To be Sung to Bob Dylan’s “Rainy Day Women”

Well, they'll assess you when you're trying to be so good
They'll assess you just like they said they would
They'll assess you when trying to go home
And they'll assess you when you're there all alone
Their obsession, is teaching to the test
Everybody must get assessed

Well, they'll assess you when you're walking on the street
They'll assess you when you're trying to keep your seat
They'll assess you when you're walking on the floor
They'll assess you when you're walking through the door
Their obsession is teaching to the test
Everybody must get assessed


They’ll assess you on the day you enter school
They’ll asses you till you feel just like fool
They’ll asses you when you’re trying to teach your class
They’ll asses you whether it’s History or Math
Their obsession, is teaching to the test
Everybody must get assessed


They’ll assess you to get you to assess others
They’ll assess you until you become Big Brother
They'll assess you and then say they are brave
They'll assess you when you're sent down in your grave
Their obsession, is teaching to the test
Everybody must get Assessed

Public Notice: The closure of all NYC public schools

From: "Panel for Educational Policy"

Date: Thu, 10 Dec 2009 18:39:36 -0500

Subject: Public Notice: Proposals for Significant Changes in School Utilization

Notice December 10, 2009

Joel I. Klein

Chancellor

Proposals for Significant Changes in School Utilization

Please find public notices for significant changes in school utilization below. To view the notices, either scroll down or connect via the links listed here:

1. The Phase-out and Eventual Closure of Public Education in NYC

Proposal for a Significant Change in the Utilization of School Building M, Q, R, X and R

The Phase-out and Eventual Closure of all NYC public schools

I. Description of the subject and purpose of the proposed item under consideration

Beginning in the 2010-2011 school year, all NYC public schools in this city serving grades K-12, will be phased out of operation, one grade level per year at a time. Grade K will be eliminated in 2010-2011, grade 1 will be eliminated in 2011-2012, and so on until all grades are eliminated in all boroughs.

They will be replaced with any charter school operator who comes to us with a plausible proposal or any hedge fund operator who has a pet project in mind. We will continue to have sufficient seats to serve our elementary, middle school, and high school students with resources currently allocated to public schools to be repurposed for high quality charter schools throughout the city. Any future proposal to site one of these charter schools will be addressed in a separate educational impact statement.

II. Information regarding where the full text of the proposed item may be obtained.

The Educational Impact Statement can be found on the Department of Education website: http://schools.nyc.gov/AboutUs/leadership/PEP/publicnotice/Proposals+1-26-10.htm

III. Submission of public comment

Written comments can be sent to NYC citywide Proposals@schools.nyc.gov.

Oral comments can be left at 718-935-4415 (but don’t expect anyone will answer the phone; we’re too busy having cocktails with the hedge fund operators)

IV. The name, office, address, email and telephone number of the city district representative, knowledgeable on the item under consideration, from whom information may be obtained concerning the item

Name: Chancellor Joel Klein, or one of his many Deputy Chancellors, better known as the “hit men.”

Office: Office of Portfolio Planning

Address: 52 Chambers St

Email: Portfolio@schools.nyc.gov

Phone: 212-374-6677

V. Date, time and place of public hearing for this proposal.

January 13, 2010 at 6:00pm

At infinite locations throughout the city (so you and the media can only attend one hearing at most; sorry!)

There will be no question and answer period. Questions about the proposal can be directed as indicated in section IV above.

Speaker sign-up will begin 30 minutes before the hearing and will close 15 minutes after the start.

VI. Date, time and place of the PEP meeting at which the Board will vote on the proposed item.

January 26, 2010

6:00pm

Michael J. Petrides School

715 Ocean Terrace, Staten Island (It’s the furthest we could arrange for it to take place; and anyway, what does it matter? We control the majority of the seats on the PEP and can do whatever we feel like doing. Thank you Gov. Paterson, Shelly Silver and the NY State legislature!)

Posted to the NYC Education News listserve by Leonie Haimson

Satire, collated by Susan Ohanian

From the Eggplant:

U.S. Department of Education Orders Confiscation of All Teacher Plan Books

WASHINGTON, D. C.-In an effort to address both the waste and the lack of uniformity exhibited by public school teachers' use of individualized plan books, the U. S. Department of Education announced today a new policy prohibiting all teachers from access to individual plan books, a plan taking effect on January 15, 2010.

"After watching the messy, haphazard use of these planbooks when teachers are entrusted with autonomy, we can see that it is time to exercise a little Federal oversight," said Undersecretary for Planning, Evaluation, and Policy Development Sallie Songster.

"Unlimited access to planbooks is not scientific," Songster continued. "It's unpredictible and unverifiable. To compete in the global economy, we have to be assured that every teacher is following the Common Core Standards in a timely and uniform manner." MORE

Over the Top: Winning Strategies for the Race to the Top Fund
by Yong Zhao

Susan comments:

'November 16, 2009, from Yong Zhao blog Michigan State. Suggestion #1 is a brilliant take on what's happening, almost too close to Arne's dream to be a parody. Go to the site and read the comments, too.

I have been reading through the 775-page final notice document to be published in the Federal Register on November 18, 2009. It includes the final versions of application guidelines, selection criteria and priorities for the $4.35 billion Race to the Top Fund (RTT), the largest education grant in U.S. history.

I can guess from news reports, op-ed pieces, and blog posts that many states are working hard to prepare their applications. From my reading of the criteria, I think the following are the winning strategies and actions to include in the application, although they may be inconsistent with research findings or common sense.

Suggestion #1:

Stop paying teachers and principals a salary. Instead pay teachers and principals on a per standardized test point basis each day. At the end of each school day, students should be tested using a standardized test, what a teacher and principal is paid is calculated at the end of the day based on the growth of the student, i.e., how much has the student improved over the previous day. This is true accountability and will for sure keep teachers and principals on their toes!

MORE

Dear Lord Chancellor Klein

This email was seen floating around inboxes. Don't know who wrote it, but Kudos:

Dear Lord Chancellor Klein,

Tis I your humble servant Taylor. Forgive me for addressing you directly but desperate times embolden the meek. We are struggling to cope with the Grimm budget cuts levied upon us by the fair and bodacious Kathy. Tis true, we were not starving, but methinks the tariffs a bit too high Lord Chancellor. When you gave us the copper and silver coin at the beginning of the seasons it was only to lift us out of squalor and starvation. And now that have come and taken away our barley and Snapple, how will we feed our students? How will the young'uns grow straight and tall with narry enough food on the table?

But enough of dark times, tell me about Tweed? How is the freshly brewed coffee and the donuts? Tis true the fruit still served fresh? Are apricots and bananas in season?

I hope the Grimm news of our farmlands have not dampened the spirits of Tweed. Invite me to your next photo op. I will behave properly and shower. While other peasants who've lost their farms have begun to curse your fair and just rule, I know what is good for the goose is good for the gander. The nay-sayers have gone off to join the monastery. Other's still have feigned sickness to gain admittance into the rubber rooms. Those people have given up but I am a proud and empowered principal.

Out of the budget cuts that covers me
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank D.O.E.
For my empowered soul.

It matters not how strait the bulletin board
Or whatever mark receive my school,
I am the master of my cohort,
I am the principal of my school.

(I apologize but I couldn't think of another word that rhymes with school.)

I am the principal of my school desperately seeking a cozy position at Tweed. One with requires the sharpening of pencils or perhaps the vacuuming of the DOE's horseless chariots? Perhaps I could be the one who runs out and fetches you warm pastries by the dozens. Or better still, many of my colleagues praise my fine voice. Let me be the one who stands behind you and sings of your many great deeds, of which you could remind me when I get there. Summon me to Tweed, "put me in coach for I am ready to play". (Shit, a student just stole my blackberry.) Perchance have ye grown weary of your court jesters? If none of these services interest you I am not beneath bending over so you can kick me in the ass when it delights ye. But summon me soon please, for the students grow restless and already have taken to searching the hallways for food instead of attending their classes.

Your humble servant,

Taylor, James III
PhD in Nothing from Harvard U.

A Parable

Joel Klein was challenged by his counterpart in Tokyo to a canoe race between the highest performing schools on standardized tests in their respective school systems. The race would be held on the Hudson River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

Klein decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A senior management team from Tweed was formed to recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a more professional study with statistics was in order, Klein hired the Alvarez and Marsal consulting company, paying $15 million for a second opinion. Their conclusion: too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing, but it would take another $15 million for them to come up with a solution.

Klein gladly paid, telling critics of the high fee that the people at Tweed just didn't have the expertise needed and besides, these critics were just afraid of change and that a victory over the Japanese was essential as a demonstration of the success of his Children First initiative. A&M recommended that the rowing team's management structure be totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

Tweed's top management implemented a new performance system that would give the one person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program.' The program included after school meetings, new rowing standards and free pens to motivate the rower. Suggestions from the school to get new paddles, canoes, and extra money for practices were rejected on the grounds that "just throwing money at a problem does not lead to a solution."

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Klein blamed whatever was left of seniority protection in the teacher contract for the loss and the rower was U-rated for poor performance. All capital investments for new equipment was cancelled and the money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team would be staffed from a Charter School jointly managed by Green Dot and the UFT.

Thanks to Benna G. and Beth K.