Friday, April 24, 2009

Obama Announces NTLB, NPLB, and NILB: Dentists, Doctors, and Policemen to be Held Accountable

by Stephen Neat

Last week, President Obama announced three new proposed federal programs aimed at addressing the issues of America's failing dentist offices, America's failing hospitals, and
America's failing police departments. The programs would be enacted under three
Congressional acts: No-Tooth-Left-Behind(NTLB), No-Patient-Left-Behind (NPLB), and No-
Investigation-Left-Behind (NILB).

Under NTLB dentists' offices that reduce the rate of cavities in their patients would receive federal tax breaks. Some dentists argue that other factors besides the quality of their care have a role in the health of patients' teeth and gums. Proponents of the proposed law disagree. They claim, without any accurate evidence, that the United States is falling dangerously behind other developed nations in oral health, and that the situation must be addressed.

NPLB would assess the achievement of hospitals based on the health of their patients. This would be measured by a battery of tests administered between April 22 and May 9 of each year. Some doctors argue that improving patients' health is an ongoing process and cannot be assessed by one group of tests, given once a year. These objections are being ignored in the mainstream media, however, as they cannot be accurately or engagingly summarized in ninety seconds or less.

The measure aimed at improving the performance of law enforcement, NILB, calls for 100% of all investigations to be solved by 2012. If this does not happen, police departments would be required to contract much of their services out to private security companies. Police departments that do not turn themselves around in five years would be closed and reconstituted as charter police departments. Some people have argued that NILB is unrealistic, said Senator Edward Kennedy (D-MA), a co-sponsor of the legislation, But I say: how can we leave one crime unsolved. It's for the children!

The response to the proposed legislation has been immediate. Across the nation doctors have put down their stethoscopes, police officers have but down their guns, and dentists have put down their those little pointy things dentists use. These professionals have taken to the streets to protest the proposed legislation. Do they really believe that we are going to take this sitting down said one protesting dentist? Do they think that were going to let them tear our professions apart while we carry on gamely with our work? Who do they think we are? Teachers!?

— Stephen Neat

1 comment:

  1. Blame teachers for all the World's ills!!!

    Ha ha ha....


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