Thursday, February 10, 2011

South Bronx School Charter Will be the Cadillac of the Charter Ed Deform Movement

Some love him, some hate him, but no matter where you stand this tour de force piece by SBS captures almost every nuance of the charter ed deform league and will leave you rolling around the floor howling. This school sounds so exciting, I'm coming out of retirement to work there. My job will be to make sure all the parents show up every weekend to clean the floors with toothbrushes and to set up a spy system to make sure there will never be a Parents Association in the school. SBS has given me the additional job of being in charge of Masking Tape. Following the popular Michelle Rhee model of using tape to keep the little buggers from making noise, we expect masking tape to be our most important item, with duct tape as a backup.

I'm cross posting in case they put out a hit on SBS and delete his blog. (And yes I'm jealous that I no longer seem to have the time or energy to put into doing this kind or work.) I just can't understand why we have to wait until Sept. 2012 for this exciting new venture. Can't David Steiner just rubber stamp this and fast track it like he does everything else?

South Bronx School Opens A Charter

When you can't beat them, why not join them?

I have decided that it is time for me to open my own charter school. Why am I doing this? First a little background.

I recall a conversation, or at least it was my dad lecturing me doing my best to tune him out, when I was 13 or 14. I had just gotten in trouble for the umpteenth time in school and he had some words of wisdom to me. He said, "You will never be able to work for someone. You need to be your own boss." Dear old dad was right and that is why I am taking this major step. So come September 2012 I will be running my own charter school.

I have chosen a name for my charter school. It will be known as The South Bronx Academy for Implied and Perceived Excellence. The school will start in the Kindergarten and first grade with 100 students, and eventually go up to fifth grade.

There will be only one "teacher" per grade. The reason for this is I want to model a setting in which all the great colleges have. A lecture hall. A study was done in the early 70's at SUNY-Geneseo that students in colleges in which offer classes in which a large amount of students sit in a large lecture hall with one instructor improve their grades .00567834%. It will also allow me to save money on staff and more of the outside funding and Title I money can find a way to my pocket.

Each classroom, or lecture hall will be named after the colleges of the teachers, or as we will say at SBAIPE, "lecturers." This will boost the self esteem of the 5 and 6 year old children and prepare them for college. And I forgot to mention. My students will be not known as students or scholars, but rather as drones. Since I have already hired two staff members, the names of the lecture halls will be Mercy College and Monroe College.

I am planning to co-locate the school and once we find space every conceivable action will be taken to keep the troglodytes of the school we are taking over, ooops, I meant, the school we are sharing, to have any interaction with the wonderful boys and girls of my school. Thanks to a grant from the Walton Foundation I have already hired XE Services, formerly known as Blackwater to head up security.

There will be armed guards at the steel reinforced doors that lead to my charter school. Also, Jersey barriers will be put in place and a secondary system of barbed wire. Not to worry. The guards will be instructed to shoot on site any violators that try to infiltrate SBAIPE.

The typical day will begin at 7 15 AM. At this point the drones will be taken, by force if necessary, from their parents, or rather as what we will call them at SBAIPE, suckers. At this point all drones will stand at attention in the outside common area and await my entrance on the balcony. I will festoon the drones on how wonderful a person I am because while I could have gone elsewhere and made a salary of $855K, I decided to be their leader for $450K. After my speech to the drones in praise of me our venerable headmaster, who will be no older than 25, will be required to give high fives and elbow bumps to each and every child.

At 8 15 in the morning the drones will report to the reeducation center, not a lecture hall, where they will be shown slide shows of how they are expected to act, along with the accompanying subliminal messages, while Wagner is playing loudly on the speakers. During this hour, the lecturers will be preparing and deep in conference with one another ready to drill the students, getting them ready for the day when their state exams come in 3rd grade.

Drone will be taught to walk in line in a cadence or goosestepping. At no time will the students be allowed to walk off the line. In class, drones will be outfitted with blinders on so they can keep their eyes on their lecturer at all times.

There will be no play time, or independent time. All it will be is test prep straight through until the end of the day at 6 PM. Once at home, the drones will turn on the specially installed home monitoring cameras so I can make sure that their test prep homework is being done.

If a child acts out of line, or worse, shows independent thought, a rapid response team from XE Services will repel into the "lecture hall" and remove that child from class and be sent to the behavioral study center in which an obedience chip will be installed insuring ever lasting conformity.

There will be no desks. Desks cost money. There will be no lunch provided. Lunch must be provided by the suckers. Pencils, paper, and other material also must be provided by the suckers. This is a for profit school.

There will be a dean of students to assist me and the headmaster. In all probability, and if he lives until 2012, it will be my 81 year old Uncle Sol. Uncle Sol, will be assisted by a staff of 5, including he wife, Aunt Sylvia.

My mission is to have outsiders think that my school is the best school ever. That I am to be thought of as some type of deity.

So why am I doing this? Why will I be making the ultimate sacrifice? Isn't it obvious? Who else but a white, Jewish, male from the NYC suburbs lead little boys and girls of color? I, just by my pedigree, know what is best and know that I am the example they have all been waiting for.


  1. Pure comedic genius. Sadly, if you look at who is running things-it might just get approved!

  2. .00567834% ?? do I round up or down?

  3. As Alec Baldwin's character said i Glengarry Glen Ross:

    Always Be Closing.

    Chumps deserve what they get, right?

  4. Good for a few chuckles. There's no question that these thoughts are not far at all from the minds of the REAL charter school advocates as they strive to turn our schools into nothing more than state-mandated holding cells for our youth. And a REAL charter school instructor might not have caught the word error - it's "rappel," not "repel." Although charter schools do REPEL me to the point where I wish to RAPPEL out of there!


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