Monday, May 2, 2011

Ed Notes Exclusive: Last Known bin Laden Interview

Posted: Tuesday, May 3, 12:30 AM
Modified: Thursday, May 5, 5AM

Paris, France

It was a strange request - at first look. Being the point person for people interested in getting a copy of "The Inconvenient Truth Behind Waiting for Superman" I've been contacted by people from all over the nation who had found WFS an disgusting film. But this one came from abroad. "I'd like a copy of the dvd," said the voice on my cell phone. It was heavily accented. I asked where to send it. "I can't give you my address but I'd like you to hand deliver a copy to me in Paris." He whispered his name. "It can't be," I said. "You're living in a cave." He laughed with that distinctive chuckle we have come to know and love. "Says, who? I'm living better than that Obama you knucklehead."

"Why do you want our movie?" He saw Guggenheim's film and thought it really sucked. "These Canada and Rhee people make my skin crawl," he said. "And BloomKlein? The worst!" He gave me a meeting time and place. So off I went to Paris.

We were due to meet on Monday, May 2 at 10AM at the McDonald's on the Champs Elysee. When I woke up to the news of his death I figured I had wasted a trip. But I'm a "bottle half full person. So I had a croissant. And another. I strolled over to the meeting place for the hell of it.  Lo and behold there he was munching a Grand Veggie Mac.

"Obama spoke last night. I thought you were...." I started to say.

"What a joke. Show me the body. That's what everyone was designed to think. I had a body double take my place when I was tipped off on the plan by The Donald. Everyone thinks this stunt won Obama the election. But when The Donald pulls his October 2012 surprise - mainly me -  we'll see who's boss then. We figure with The Donald as president, Al Qaeda wins hands down."

"I'm looking forward to seeing your film," he said. "I hear you have some vicious shots of Michelle Rhee, which is one of the reasons I'm so interested, aside from the fact that the ed deformers are so disgusting."

"Why," I asked?

"Who do you think will be running Al Qaeda while I'm out of commission," he said as he walked off up the Champs Elysee towards The Arch De Triomphe.

2012 Election Cancelled

Obama Buoyed by 100 Percent Approval Rating

 

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In what historians are calling an unprecedented development in American politics, both major parties decided today to cancel the 2012 election.

The decision to scrap the 2012 contest came on the heels of a new poll showing President Barack Obama with an approval rating of one hundred percent, believed to be a record high for an American president.

Mr. Obama even polled well among Republicans, with a majority of GOP voters agreeing with the statement, “I no longer care that he wasn’t born here.”

The new bipartisan spirit sweeping the nation was captured well by House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), who tearfully told reporters, “This is a great day for America… oh, leave me alone, goddamn it.”

Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump made no official announcement, but sources said he was considering running for Prime Minister of Canada.

The cancellation of the election comes in the aftermath of the death of Osama bin Laden, whose last words reportedly were, “I knew I shouldn’t have signed up for Foursquare.”

Of all the major news networks, Fox News did not report news of bin Laden’s death, saying that it would air cartoons “until further notice.”

In Libya, Colonel Muammar Gaddafi issued the following official statement: “Uh-oh.”

In North Korea, President Kim Jong-Il said this: “I have lost my last friend on Facebook.”

And in Wasilla, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said this: “We must find and kill Osama bin Laden.”

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